Screwing Fate
by akes88
Summary: Even before she phased, Leah's been dealing with the fallout of werewolf life. No matter how much she tries to distance herself from the supernatural, fate seems to have a way of putting her smack in the middle. She's about to tell fate what she thinks.
1. We create our fate every day we live

-1I made the run through the woods as soon as I sensed I was free. Still in my wolf form, I could hear the guys' plans for the night. Sam was ordering pack members in different directions, hundreds of miles away and back again. The rest of the pack was planning a bonfire that wouldn't start 'till midnight, maybe later. I had plenty of time.

The woods began to thin and I slowed to a trot, trying to catch the familiar scents assaulting my nostrils. Edward was gone. In fact, it was only Renesmee and her grandparents in the house, just like she said. Perfect. Those two were still too in love with one another to notice much more than our quick farewells.

I phased in the forest. I had slipped on my cutoffs and was trying to pull on a tank when Renesmee wrapped her arms around my waist.

"Hi," she whispered, kissing my neck and peppering my shoulder with more.

"Ren," I whined back, more annoyed with the fact that we had to hide than with her actions. She'd caught my hands at my side, making it nearly impossible to pull the shirt over my body. It was hanging around my neck, awkwardly slung since I'd only gotten one arm in. "We should move. I'm half-dressed and we're not exactly hidden. What if Esme and Carlisle-"

"They're in the study, not paying any attention to us. Promise." She turned me to face her and I couldn't help but marvel at the contrast between our skin. The faint shimmer was intensified as her pure white hand traveled over my tan stomach, inching up over my ribs, tracing around my nipples. I pulled her against me, feeling her chest press against mine, trapping her hand between us. Her left hand trailed up my spine, however, tracing a soothing pattern into my muscles. My back hit a tree, the surprise cutting off my moan. Her hand traveled into my hair then, releasing it from the messy ponytail I'd thrown it in earlier and pulled me in for a kiss.

I relished in this moment. Every time was like the first time all over again.

Well, not the first time. That was just plain awkward, but the second time was good. The second time was like this, providing me with feelings I hadn't felt in over a decade. The relief, the comfort, the pleasure and, most of all, the vindication that came with it. This feeling was like an addiction. When she kissed me, my past no longer mattered. All of my issues and frustrations- my being the black sheep of the pack that would have been happier on my own- it all disappeared, because she cared. She wanted me. I was lovable.

She moaned into my mouth. At that moment, I didn't care who saw us, or where we were. I nudged her lips open, my tongue swirling against her own. Although I'd deepened the kiss, she quickly began to dominate, angling my neck and pressing into me until I was dizzy for oxygen.

I broke away to trace her jaw line with my tongue, bringing the arm between us to rest on my hip, intertwined with my own fingers. My mouth moved further down to her throat. She gasped against me, but it wasn't enough. Creating just the right suction over her collarbone, I was practically begging her to do the one thing that always reminded me that I was indeed an individual. The individual that she chose.

Breathy and pleading, she finally did it. She whispered my name.

"Leah."


	2. Seeing Clearly

**I don not own Twilight or any of the characters. That is all property of Mrs. Stephanie Meyers. This is just what I do with my free time. See you at the bottom.**

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**[She] who fights with monsters might take care lest [she] thereby become a monster. Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves? - Friedrich Nietzsche**

I hadn't always felt this way about her. In fact, I didn't even like her at first.

It took me a while to see Ren- like, _really_ see her.

She was crying. Subconsciously, I think that's what made the difference.

It had to have been around two in the morning and I was just finishing my run of the perimeter. I was about to make one more pass over the cliffs when I spotted her perched over the rocky shore, knees drawn up to her chest and her head down. The wind was blowing hard, making her curls twist in a shiny, copper tornado, but it didn't seem to bother her. I knew that she'd heard me when I approached, then phased and dressed, but she never turned around.

Maybe she was giving me privacy, but more than likely, she was just ignoring me. Wouldn't surprise me if that was the case. I was used to it.

"Hey, Cullen," I pretty much accused her. She may have gotten around the treaty on a technicality, but she was still one of _them_. And to think Jacob had imprinted on her. I ignored the urge to push her. It wouldn't do any damage, which meant it wasn't worth the reaming I'd get from Jacob.

Her existence probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if I hadn't been forced to live in Jake's head. But I did, and it was sickening. I had to listen to his every thought and fantasy, then I had to listen to him dissect every single one of those thoughts and chastise himself. The only thing worse than having to listen to someone being happy was having to listen to someone bitch about being happy. It made me wish for the days of his Bella torment, and that's really saying something.

"Bat got your tongue," I added when she hadn't spoken.

"I don't need your shit. Not tonight, Leah."

I laughed. I'd never heard Renesmee curse before and she wasn't very good at it. Her words were harsh, but her voice remained too soft.

"What are you gonna do," I goaded. "Bite me?"

"I'm not in the mood, Leah, and so help me, I just might drain you if you just don't leave me the hell alone."

She clearly didn't know me. Telling me to go away was like putting candy in front of a kid and telling him not to eat it. Besides, I would have loved an excuse for a fight with Jake's golden girl. Maybe if I pushed her buttons…

"What's wrong? Someone steal your coffin?"

That seemed to piss her off a little more. She stood to face me and that's when I realized she was crying. I was kinda surprised 'cause, to be honest, I didn't even know that was possible. I was more surprised to realize that I felt bad.

"Is everything okay," I hedged. I wanted to slap my hand over my mouth. Actually, I wanted to just plain slap Jake. He was the only reason I felt remotely concerned for her wellbeing. Damn pack brain.

"As if you care. It's not like you don't already know, anyway." She sat down on the other side of the cliff and went back to sulking. "Now he's stuck with me and the whole pack gets to listen to this soap opera play out in his head. You probably hear all about how repulsed he is by me."

"Are you talking about Jake?" Not that I really cared to make her feel better, but every part of my being knew that wasn't true. Part of this whole pack thing meant defending your brother and the words flew out of my mouth before I could bite my tongue. "The boy is certifiably obsessed with you. He won't stop thinking about you, and trust me: none of those thoughts are ones of disgust- unless you count my protests to witnessing his mental porn," I muttered. I doubt if she heard that part though, because she was already snapping her response at me.

"You don't have to cover for him. Whatever alpha command he's given you, you don't have to feed the story to me."

"I'm not under a fucking alpha command," I snarled. Softening my tone, I grudgingly explained myself. "I do have a brain, and I don't need anyone to tell me the obvious. Jake loves you."

"Then why does he act like he wants nothing to do with me? I know he has responsibilities, but he's always making excuses to leave and he never lets me come with him, and then, when he is around, he seems so distant. He won't touch me and he only wants to talk about music, or what's on the television. I don't think he's even listening when I talk to him." Her voice cracked, but returned in a whisper. She looked at me with watery eyes. "Does that sound like love to you?"

"You do realize who you're talking to, right? Love is lost on me." She rolled her eyes, but I was being completely honest. I was the last person you wanted to get relationship advice from. "Look, I know he's got a weird way of showing it, but he's crazy about you. He's trying to sort things out."

"Like what? And why can't he at least talk to me about it?" she huffed.

It was my turn to roll my eyes. I sat down, leaving a good three feet of space. At this rate, I figured I'd better get comfortable. "This aspect of your relationship is really new. He practically raised you. Even though he's known for a while that this would happen, the whole thing is kinda awkward."

"Awkward," she shrieked, as if I'd told her he thought she was repulsive.

"Would you calm the hell down? Didn't you ever wonder what was happening when you started to notice him? I mean, didn't it feel odd to see him as something more than just your friend?"

"Well, of course, but _he _imprinted on _me. _I figured I should just accept it."

"Easier said then done for Jake. He's always been the same guy to you. In all your memories, he's buff, sexy, happy Jake." I paused, realizing what had just come out my mouth. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea. I'd seen the guy naked more times then I could count, and while I could certainly appreciate the equipment, I have no interest in testing it out. "Don't ever tell him I said that. The point is, he's always looked the same to you, but in his mind, he has memories of watching you grow up." I could tell that she was about to interrupt me, so I beat her to the punch. "Accelerated as that may have been, he feels bad wanting to do dirty things to the girl he used to bathe."

She looked out at the choppy waters and sighed. I felt more comfortable looking at her in profile and I recognized the look on her face immediately. She understood what I was trying to tell her. Logically, she understood, but understanding didn't change her predicament, and it didn't make it hurt any less. You can't force someone to love you.

It was then, in that moment, that I got it. Even her tearstains and slightly reddened eyes couldn't cloud this new understanding. She wasn't a vampire or some freaky hybrid thing. Yeah, she was too pale, and so what if she occasionally tracked down animals and tore them apart with her bare hands. This is Forks. Most of my friends do. When it came down to it, she was just as confused about this supernatural life as the rest of us, hoping that someone besides her own family cared about her existence, and I got that.

"Are you sure," she finally pleaded.

I nodded as she wiped away the last evidence of tears. "Give him some time to reconcile his memories with his reality. He's got a lot going on in his head. "

She looked up at me and let a hint of a smile come through. "Well, I guess you would know."

I stood, and without thinking, offered her my hands. She looked a little surprised, and I probably would have retracted the offer if she hadn't accepted right then. I ignored the initial instinct to pull away and found that she wasn't as cold as I'd expected.

Emboldened by the contact, she hugged me. I didn't pull back, but I didn't reciprocate the gesture either. I just let her wrap an arm around me and stood in shock. She could have gone for my jugular and I probably woulda had trouble moving.

"Thanks," she said as she relinquished her hold.

I just shrugged. "No problem. It's been a long time since anyone has actually thanked me for my company," I mumbled. It was supposed to be a joke, but once it was out, I realized it was true.

"I mean it. And Leah?" She caught my hand so I was forced to look at her. I hadn't realized I'd been avoiding her gaze most of the night. "Someday you'll find the person for you. Maybe it'll be an imprint or just old-fashioned love, but you will. I know you're supposed to be the bitch of the pack and all, but, Leah, you really are beautiful." And she placed a kiss on my cheek.

She was gone in a blur, making her way back to Transylvania or whatever.

It was simple- completely innocent, but I guess that was part of the appeal. Not saying that I wanted her or anything, but I got why Jake was so in love with her.

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**Please let me know what you think. As I've mentioned before, I don't think this would ever happen in the world of Twilight, but it popped into my head and Leah just won't leave me alone. Do you like Leah? Still hate her? Get where she's coming from? Or do you just wanna hear more from her? Good or bad, I'd like to get some feedback and hear your thoughts.**


	3. What Doesn't Kill Ya Pisses You Off

** Sorry I've been M.I.A. RL takes up time. Anywho, if you're still reading, please enjoy and remember that I don't own any of the characters; I just make them angsty bisexuals. **

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**I guess I should back up and say that I hated her at first.

I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage. -Friedrich Nietzsche

I have no problem admitting it. And before you can judge me or write me off as a bitter bitch, I had a valid reason.

When you grow up on a reservation, you learn real early that preserving the culture comes first. It may not seem like much, but the Quileute nation is all our people have and we're proud of it. The only way to ensure our culture would be passed on was by promising to stick together. That didn't mean we couldn't socialize with others, but it did mean that Quileutes were expected to look out for one another and lend a hand when necessary.

Jake was only five when he lost his mother. In the days following the accident, he and his sisters stayed with my family, cramped as it was. When Billy first came home, it was my mother who cooked dinner and made sure the kids were up on time for school. It was my father and my uncle who helped refit the house with a ramp and other wheelchair-friendly adjustments.

At nine, I was old enough to understand that the Blacks needed our help. Like a good Quileute daughter, I didn't complain when Jake ate the last of the cereal. I didn't punch him too hard when he messed with my. I never teased him for crying himself to sleep for practically a month- possibly more.

During that time, he'd irked me, but he also became my favorite nuisance. He ate my broccoli when my mom wasn't looking. He let us girls have first dibs on the bathroom. He beat up some bully that wouldn't stop messing with Seth because he knew my parents would kill me if I got suspended for another fight.

And when I fazed, Jake was the only one willing to commiserate with me. He didn't get the whole loss of femininity and whatnot, but he got why I felt like a freak. So while Jake and I had never really defined our tenuous friendship, it seemed only natural for me to join his pack when he broke off. I knew he wouldn't be happy, but I also knew he wouldn't turn me away.

We quickly came to an understanding. Without Sam in my head, I was able to stop reliving the painfest as Jake called it. In return, he gave me space when I really needed it and put up with my being in his head no matter how petulant I was being. And yeah, I gave him a hard time and he sure as hell pushed my buttons whenever he could, but we actually liked that about each other. We worked in that weird way because we got each other.

He knew what it felt like to give someone your everything- only to receive your mangled heart back in an unopened envelope labeled 'return to sender'. I understood how you could hate someone for making you love them, and what's worse: we both knew what it felt like to hate yourself because you were too pussy to just move on.

In all honesty, it wasn't Sam that I wanted. It was the plans that I had made. It was letting go of everything I had been so sure of. Sam made me doubt myself and I hated the feeling, so I pushed it back on him. I thought that Jake would realize that what he wanted had always been an impossiblity and he'd let it go. When Bella finally married the leech, I thought Jake would come to his senses.

And then she had to go and get knocked up! I mean, seriously: who the fuck even knew that was possible? Well, I guess if they had, they might have used a condom, but that's besides the point.

The point is, in a split second of some sort of reoccurring nightmare, I was dropped. Again!

And not just for some other girl- or my own cousin for Chr*st's sake-but for a vampire-halfling freak that wasn't even 10 minutes old! I mean, had it been someone prettier, or smarter, or funnier- if there was some _reason_- I could argue my side. At the very least, I'd have some type of consolation as I mourned the death of my self-esteem, but no. It had to be this imprinting bullshit again. Why did fate feel the need to constantly screw me over?

Then, to add insult to injury, Jake had me running day and night to make sure she was safe when she had her own guard at home. We are Quileute- and not just any plain Redskin from the Rez, but the werewolf gene proved that we were descendants of the founding chiefs, warriors and elders of our tribe. For the love of all things freaky, we're werewolves, not guard dogs. We only had one purpose on this earth, and I'm pretty sure babysitting Dracula's spawn wasn't in the job description.

Jake, however, insisted. He was in _love_. He was willing to ignore centuries of instinct and align himself with the one creature we were built to destroy for _love_. He couldn't help who he'd fallen in _love _with.

Every time he said the word, I wanted to shove it back down his throat until he choked on it, but in the end, I had no choice. Not that Jake would force me with an Alpha command. No, he was much too noble for that. Instead, he reminded me that I always had another option, which only made it more infuriating.

We both knew the truth; there never was any choice. Where else was I going to go? Back to Sam? I'd have hung myself if I'd thought it might do any good.

The ultimate betrayal though, was the fact that Jacob knew he'd hurt me.

With Sam, it was understood that he'd ripped my heart out, but I'd had enough time to swallow the pain and let it metastasize into a ball of hatred. I made sure that I never put myself in that predicament again- or so I thought.

I had planned on leaving and never looking back. Turns out, that was the problem. I had made plans based on Jake. I let myself hope and I should have realized the mistake. This time, though, I didn't have the luxury of time or privacy. There was no point rehearsing lines of nonchalance or convincing myself that I was okay. No matter how much I tried not to think about it in the first place, it didn't matter. Jake knew I was actively trying to push it out of my head, which only made me look more pathetic. One second his thoughts reeked of pity and half-formed apologies; the next, he was elated at the thought of finding his imprint, which pretty much rendered any apology null and void.

So I hated Renesmee instead. I hated her big brown eyes that Jake wouldn't stop thinking about and the way she had him wrapped around her finger. I hated her stupid ass name and her copper curls and her ability to make everyone love her. I hated her more than I'd ever hated anything or anyone in my life, because if I focused all my energy on that, than maybe I could stave off the loneliness that was destined to become my permanent companion.

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** To those still reading, thank you. I write for myself, and I'm elated to know that other's enjoy it as well. To those of you who have noticed grammatically incorrect phrasing and whatnot, it's not 'cause I don't proofread, but since this is being told from Leah's POV, I write in her voice, grammatical errors and all. That also applies to my use of the term Redskin in this chapter. I'm sorry if anyone was offended, or just found it uncouth, but it was a character choice. I think this Leah would make the tongue in cheek comment. She'd also say that if you don't like it, then what the hell you still reading for? **

**Leah said that, not me. See you soon.**


	4. When Words Fail

**A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. -Ingrid Bergman**

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The first time I made a move, I wasn't even sure what I was doing.

I hadn't planned on it, but she was looking at me as if she knew me. It was like she really understood what was going through my mind, and she wasn't judging me for it or disapproving. She got it. I had the urge to kiss her and before I could be shocked at myself, I was doing just that.

It had been nearly a month since the night we realized we weren't so different. Jake took this as a reason to assign me as Renesmee's personal security whenever he wasn't in Forks, which seemed to be a lot lately since he was trying to keep himself from jumping her bones. Of course, he hadn't explained that part to his pseudo-girlfriend. He just dashed off with barely plausible excuses and instructed me to stay with her. I didn't mind, though, because it meant less time spent listening to the guys' thoughts- something that would drive any girl crazy.

One day in late spring, we went out to the edge of the Hoh Forest. It was a nice day out- mid 70s and actual sunlight. There was a constant mist in the air, but that was the norm when real precipitation wasn't available. It didn't bother either of us. She brought a blanket and a bunch of candy, 'cause apparently her only interest in human food stemmed from a massive sweet tooth. She stretched out on one side with a book and I did the same on the other with my head in the opposite direction listening to my ipod. Hershey kisses and miniature candy bars and a tub of Twizzlers sat between us.

We lay in silence enjoying our preferred media. That was another reason I didn't mind hanging out with her: she didn't mind comfortable silence. At one point, I reached into the giant skittles bag just as she was pulling her hand out and knocked most of the candy to the blanket. She just laughed and moved to clean it up.

"I guess I owe you." I offered her the heaping handful I'd just retrieved, still bobbing to some song. She reached for my forearm instead, using her other hand to pull my earbuds out.

I opened my eyes to find her practically leaning over me. Her finger rubbed across my wrist and I knew exactly what had caught her attention. I tried to pull away, but she held on gently, yet firm.

"These scars are old," she pointed out quietly, and I flipped my free hand over, even though it wouldn't change the fact that she'd already noticed it. She continued to brush her finger over the raised skin and it was oddly relaxing. The soft shimmer of her skin ricocheted onto me, creating dancing spots of light. "The way they healed and… Why so much trauma? They're worse than any scars I've seen on the rest of the pack."

"We can recover from practically any injury with barely any evidence, but it doesn't make us flawless like vamp venom. Our scars from before we phase will always be there." I tried to shrug it off. "I know for a fact that Seth has a pretty nasty one on his shin. I gave it to him."

"What happened?"

"I was eight, so he musta' been about 5 and I-"

"Not that," she clarified with tempered amusement. We both knew I was evading.

I closed my eyes again, worried about what she might say. Even before I phased, I couldn't die. I was just collecting scars.

"After Sam," I murmured, hoping she hadn't heard me, but also hoping she had so I didn't have to repeat myself.

There was a moment of silence, save for a bird off in the forest. There was nothing else to say.

I wasn't going to rehash the year I spent watching Emily move to the Rez, being courted by the one guy I had thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. Why explain how completely isolated I'd felt when even my own mother told me to suck it up and forced me to the engagement party? My dad had been alive then and had let her in on the secret of imprinting, but I was left in the dark, forced to believe that I had never really been that important to my first love in the first place. There was no reason why I should still be upset by any of it, and yet here I was shedding tears over it yet again. I hadn't even realized I'd actually babbled all this information until I heard Renesmee issuing sounds of comfort and felt her wiping away my tears.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized as if she'd been the one to steal the most stable aspect of my life. Well, she had the second time around, but I was honestly over that. And then she said the words that no one had ever bothered to say. "You deserve better."

It was an odd thought. Not once had anyone expressed that Sam might be the loser in the situation. I didn't click with girls, even before phasing, so I didn't have a Sam-bashing brigade of friends to feed me ice cream and hand me tissues when I'd been dumped. Everyone else had been in on the joke. That or they just didn't care about the end of an obvious case of puppy love.

For the first time in years, Renesmee had managed to make me feel valued- wanted. I was worth someone's concern and, possibly, somebody's affection. I wanted to reciprocate the feeling, but I didn't know how.

So I kissed her.

Or, at least I tried.

In reality, I sat up and used my hold on her arm to keep her close enough to initiate contact, but she whipped away from me so quickly, I'm still not sure if our lips even touched.

I think she was in shock, because aside from sitting back, she hadn't moved. She was frozen. She stared at me with wide eyes for a full minute before she angrily hissed the same question I was thinking.

"What the hell was that, Leah?"

My brilliant response didn't even include words. I just shrugged.

She tried to stand, but I felt the minute movement, clasped my own hand around her arm and stood with her. We looked like we were engaged in some intense handshake.

"I'm doing the one thing Jake won't do," I blurted. I went into panic mode and began spewing words that, while I had no clue where they were coming from, I knew they were true. She knew it too, and made eye contact. "This is the one thing you want the most and he won't give you. Think about it, Renesmee: he's never gonna let another guy near you, and he's not gonna touch you until your father gives him the okay, and who knows when the hell that'll be. Are you supposed to be a nun until then?"

Her eyes softened and I knew my words were sinking in. I pulled her flush against me. I could feel every breath- the moisture that permeated our clothes made it that much more intimate.

"He'll never touch you like this or hold you this way. He'll never give you what you want- what _you _deserve-not for a long time, Renesmee. I know what he wants to say to you and how he wishes he could do this, but he's too afraid. Are you willing to wait for Jake to get the courage to do all the things you want or can you accept that I'm right here offering that now?"

It was a low card to play, I'm aware, but it was true. And it worked.

I kissed her and she kissed me back.

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** Thanks for reading guys. As always, please let me know what you think. I'd love to know if you like the girls any more or any less now, or where you think they should go from here.**

**A special thanx to everyone who already reveiwed and a super huge thank you to Lyrics2Soul. u rock my multi-colored toe socks, girl. If you guys want to enjoy some lemony Jake&Ness goodness, check out her stories. She's in my favorite authors list.**


	5. Hope

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man- Friedrich Nietzsche

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I wondered what was wrong with me.

I asked myself the same question every single time I found myself daydreaming about Ren. I asked myself why I was still in this shit town, and why I pretended everything was alright when clearly things weren't, and why I couldn't be normal. I asked myself all these questions at first, but I never had any answers, and even if I had, it wouldn't have changed the fact that I liked being with Renesmee.

Answers wouldn't change the fact that when she looked at me, she seemed to see through all the crap I piled up. She saw through the bitter harpy exterior, and the constant sneer and the varnish. She didn't care why I was still here. She didn't know when things started going south, or if it would ever get any better. She was just glad I existed, and that was something I wasn't used to. None of those answers would have changed the fact that while I knew I wasn't normal (not by a long shot), I felt fine in my skin for the first time in more than a decade, and I wasn't ready to give that up.

I also wondered what I would say to Jake when he found out. There was no getting around that fact: Jake would find out.

I didn't have an answer for that either. At one point, I thought about going the preemptive route and writing him a letter or something and laying it all out. I couldn't find the words, though, and I don't think Hallmark has a 'Sorry for Stealing your Girlfriend' section.

To be honest, I didn't feel half as bad as I probably should have. I hadn't forced Renesmee into anything. Maybe I'd coerced her a little, but still, she was free to leave if she wanted and she never did. The more I thought about it, actually, the more I was able to justify it. I wanted to feel guilty for betraying my Alpha, and essentially my pack, but in all honesty, they'd betrayed me first. I didn't fit in; never had and never will. They didn't want me and they made it known.

I know what you're thinking: I wasn't exactly rainbows and sunshine. That may have been true, at first, but even when I tried to be part of things, I was still ostracized. I'd been left to fend for myself and I grabbed onto the first lifeline offered to me: Renesmee. Besides, if Jake had paid more attention to his imprint in the first place, I wouldn't have had an in.

In fact, it had been Jake's constant thoughts about Ren that won me over. Anytime I was in wolf form, I was bombarded with thoughts of her. I couldn't escape her image. I didn't go after her on my own accord. I mean, it's not like I'm a lesbian.

At least, I don't think I am.

Another one of those answers that had managed to escape me. When you're the only girl sharing thoughts with a bunch of guys, things can get a little confusing.

It's helpful sometimes- sharing a brain, I mean.

There's no need for a shopping list when Seth's lazy ass thinks about the loaf of bread he obliterated before a run. It's even saved my life once or twice, but more often than not, it's just plain annoying.

It means never knowing who's thinking for you. It means having no control. It means no privacy.

There's voices popping in and out of your head at random- and no amount of anti-psychotic drugs, or any dose of lithium is gonna get rid of 'em. And while you may be able to censor your own thoughts, you can't force the rest of the pack to do the same. Trust me; I've tried. You end up hearing a lot more than you want to know, especially when some if it's coming from your crazy horny younger brother.

Feel free to cringe. I do all the time.

When you first become part of the pack, though, it's like hitting the jackpot. Instant respect and stature, a free pass from the elders, plus a brotherhood that knows what you're going through. Not to mention some of the clueless girls that will do anything in hopes that you'll look at her like she's the only girl in the world. For a lot of the guys, the pack is the best thing that ever happened to them.

Being Quileute isn't exactly glamorous. You grow up on the Rez, and you die on the Rez. If you're lucky, maybe you'll marry someone from elsewhere and spend time on their turf. Only one or two kids a year ever leave to go to school, and that's mostly 'cause you'll never be able to afford it unless you manage a full scholarship- like Rachael.

Some good it did her. She'll be stuck here, too, poppin' out Paul juniors for life.

And the really messed up thing is that she'll end up liking it. Even when Paul gave her the answers, she didn't care, because that's what the pack does: suck you in and make you like it. Knowing the truth doesn't change a damn thing.

I did know one thing for certain: Jake would forgive Renesmee. He was her imprint, after all. It was his job to love her unconditionally. If anything, he'd be pissed at me, but what was new?

And she would choose him in the end. That was obvious, and I knew it. Nothing new there, either. I was used to second place.

For the moment, however, she was mine. There was some vindication in knowing that if I had to be thrown aside yet again, at least I wouldn't be blindsided this time. This time, I was in control of my own demise.

At least, that's what I thought. See, the thing about answers is that they don't change anything.

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** So, so, so sorry it took me forever. this year was a rollercoaster and this chapter has been sitting on my computer for the last 8 months, if not longer. I hope you enjoy it. Please give me your feedback, even if it's just to say how much i suck in the time management department. Thanks to anyone still reading and I hope to hear from each and every one of you.**


	6. More Than I Can Bear

**So sorry I have been MIA for so long. I'm still not entirely sure how I want this to pan out, so if anybody has any suggestions, I'd be more than happy to hear 'em... and give you a shout out for the inspiration. Okay. here it is. ****Hope this doesn't dissapoint.**

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**He who has a why to live can bear almost anyhow. - Friedrich Nietzsche**

After that first night, there seemed to be some kind of understanding between me and Ness.

Once a week, after I ran my shift, I'd meet Ren at the cliffs and stay for about an hour. Sometimes we talked about the pack and Jake, or her family. Once or twice, she tried to explain the latest fashion trends, but they were lost on me. I didn't have the money or the desire for girly frocks that wouldn't survive more than a day in La Push. Mostly, though, we talked about what we thought life would be like if we weren't complete freaks of nature.

Jake was confused by our sudden friendship, but said nothing. He had no reason to be suspicious; it was completely innocent at that point in time. Plus, he was glad that Ren had someone besides her family to keep her company while he was busy. At least, that's what he told Ren. What he really meant was that he liked using my brain as a spy.

I've never considered myself a romantic. I never wanted to fall in love.

In high school, I couldn't have cared less if I had a date on Friday night. There was no mystery or excitement to the dating scene, at least not for me. The boys I knew had grown up with me. We went through our awkward phases together. They were a bunch of dummies, all interested in whether or not you'd let them cop a feel at the end of the night- and on the Rez, everyone would soon know the answer.

And then, out of nowhere, the summer before my freshman year, Sam Uley started growing muscles and a brain and he seemed to be everywhere- at least, that's how I felt. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and much to my disbelief, the feeling was mutual. My dad was weary of him, especially knowing Sam's less than stellar lineage, but I didn't care. In fact, that only made him more appealing. He was older, my parents didn't like him and he was interested in me. Who was I to turn that down?

On our first date, we went for the clichéd dinner and a movie- that was all it took for Sam to charm me out of my pants. The next morning, waking up sore and feeling easier than a preschool puzzle, I was mortified. It had been my first time and I'd left a bloodstain on his backseat. I thought he'd never talk to me again.

I was wrong. He showed up around noon with flowers and picnic supplies. My parents weren't fooled for a minute- they knew I'd given him more than a goodnight kiss, but he acted the perfect gentleman otherwise. After that, we were inseparable.

For three years, Sam Uley was my everything, and I was his. We were making plans. I spent my junior year trying to pass intro to trig and figuring out how much money I could save for the wedding. Sam was in charge of the money for the house.

That might sound absurd, especially at that age, but on the Rez, that's how it happens. It wasn't uncommon for high school sweethearts to drop out a year early or take extra classes to graduate a year ahead just to get started playing house and making babies as soon as possible.

Then things got weird. Just a few weeks before junior year ended, Sam disappeared. For two weeks, he wouldn't answer my phone calls and even his own mother didn't know where he was.

Then he just showed up one afternoon. I came home from school and he and my father were walking through the woods behind our house. He looked like hell. I thought it was weird, but I was just so glad he was alive that I welcomed him with open arms.

In school the next day, he didn't really talk to anyone. He was still Sam, but something about him was heavier, like he'd been weighed down. He wore a constant look like he wanted to speak, but changed his mind last minute. He refused to talk about anything that had happened while he was gone, but he still loved me. I could feel it and he never stopped taking me out or making plans about our future. I could tell that he wanted to tell me, he just didn't know how, or couldn't.

That weekend, my whole life changed. My cousins came down for the weekend and I insisted that Sam come with us to the beach. He did everything in his power to get out of it- almost like he knew something would happen, but I didn't stop until he agreed. I insisted he was in need of more sun and human interaction.

When we broke up, he was still around my house nearly every day, just this time it was to see Emily. At first, he'd try to apologize every time he saw me. It only took him three days to realize that no apology would ever be enough.

To make matters worse, my dad was suddenly his biggest champion. He wouldn't stop telling me what a good Quileute man Sam was- how much good he would do for the tribe. He and Billy, Jake's dad, were always inviting him on fishing trips and the Rez meetings that were usually reserved for elders.

Like I gave two sh*ts about the rest of the tribe.

I now know what really happened. I know Sam's not a bad guy, and he never meant to hurt me, but I also know that he did. No matter what his intentions- no matter how much it was out of his control- it still happened. The answer as to why wouldn't change a damn thing. And that's when I decided to dedicate my life to making his miserable. It didn't seem fair to me that he got to be happy when I was nothing, but miserable.

I had never considered myself a romantic, but apparently, romance didn't care. Romance sought me out. When I saw Renesmee that night, the alarm bells should have gone off. I shoulda known immediately. I shoulda ran the other way screaming.

I should have, but I didn't.

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** Can't wait to hear from you guys!  
**


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